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Reckoning Ball/Transcript
Wholesome Foods, exterior (Episode title appears on a grocery bag. A woman is protesting.) Woman: BOYCOTT WHOLESOME FOODS! BOYCOTT WHOLESOME FOODS! (Chip pushes her away with a grocery cart and stomps on the sign.) Interior Chip: (tosses sign in a bin with a bunch of others) Okay, that's the sixth protester today. We haven't had a customer in weeks! It's all going wrong, and I don't know why! (The whole store is vacant without a single customer.) Greg: (feeds a spider a nut) It's the video. Purple female worker: (eats a donut reading a book) It's the video. Brown male worker: (kicks an apple with Rose) Oh yeah, it's the video. Chip: No it's not. Greg: (shows his phone) Yeah, it is. (Video: Cricket getting pelted with tomatoes from "Feud Fight", with the title ""Wholesome" Manager Annihilates Little Boy!!!") Greg: Remember that time you violently pelted that kid with tomatoes? Chip: (in video) What - Whaaaaat!! That's right, baby! CHIP! CHIP! CHIP! Greg: Well, it kinda went viral. (Shows a picture of chip with the hashtag #BOYCOTTWHOLESOMEFOODS and the subtext "Specifically Chip Whistler!".) Greg: And now, no one wants to shop here. Chip: That was taken out of CONTEXT! (throws the phone on the ground, breaking it) Greg: Aww, Chip chipped my phone. (gasps) Kind of like your teeth every time you see that kid! Purple female worker: Your name is a joke, now. (Everyone laughs.) Chip: Grrr...YOU'RE ALL FIRED! (More laughter; he angrily goes into his office.) Chip: If I never met the Greens, none of this would've happened to me. This is all their fault! Those horrible, filthy Greens will pay! Green's House, front yard Tilly: And that's my impression of a salmon. Cricket: (applauds) Wow! Gramma: Proud of you. Bill: (comes out) Who wants a peanut butter ball? (All shout for one; suddenly a wrecking ball slams down from nowhere, shocking them. Chip is operating a wrecking crane.) Chip: I'll take a ball -- a wrecking ball, that is, because I'm going to wreck your house! And drive you Greens outta town...once and for all! (activates the wrecking ball) Bye-bye, Greens! Greens: AAAAHHHHH!!! Keys: (whistles, steps right in front of them) Oh-oh, nonononononono! Don't quote me on this, but I believe murder is illegal! Chip: Oh no! (He loses control; the wrecking ball misses the Greens and only hits a portion of the rooftop, then comes right for him.) Chip: Aaaagh!! (It crashes into him; he sits up.) Chip: Ugh... (his tooth cracks once more) Huh? Nononononononononono! AWW, COME ON! Wholesome Foods Corp, CEO's office (Chip sits before his dad at the desk.) Mr. Whistler: Oh, Chip... Chip: You don't understand! These people hurt our business, and disrespect my very expensive and perfect teeth. Ugh... Mr. Whistler: Wholesome Foods needs to be a friend to farmers. Knockin' down a local farmer's house and peltin' a farm boy with tomatoes? Tomatoes are for eatin', those go in here! (points to his mouth) What happened to you? What happened to... (turns around a picture of Chip as a baby) ...my boy? Chip: Uh...he got way hotter. Mr. Whistler: (sighs and goes to a picture of himself as a teen farmer) If you've ever done any farming like I did in my co-op days, you'd know. You reap what you so. (sits back down) You know, my retirement's comin' up, and I was planning to put you in charge, but you've backed me into a corner here. I hate to do this son, but...you're out! Chip: (sits up in shock) Wha...whaaaaa?! DADDY, NOOOOO!!! (drops to the ground and sobs) Tell me what to do, I-I'll do anything! (sobs more) Mr. Whistler: Maybe if you prove you're really sorry for what you've done to that family. Chip: (grabs the desk) I'm really sorry, I swear! Mr. Whistler: (shows a contract) Not to me, to them! Chip: Ugh, one of your forgiveness contracts? Mr. Whistler: This is how Daddy knows it's real. Chip: Ughhhhh!!! Mr. Whistler: Get each of the Greens to sign, and I'll reconsider your future with this company. Chip: You got it, Dad. I mean...how hard can it be? Green's House, front yard (Bill is hammering part of the roof back in place; Cricket holds some panels.) Cricket: Hey, Dad. Can I try? Bill: Son, I'm gonna be honest -- I don't trust you with a hammer. Chip: (comes over) Hey hey hey! How y'all doin'? Cricket: (gasps and drops his panels) Chip's back to finish what he started! TILLY, CALL THE POLICE! Tilly: (on phone) Got it! I do hope they send the dogs this time. Chip: Whoa, whoa, hey! I am not here to start any -- (Cricket comes over and angrily bites his leg) OH! Bill: Now hold on, guys -- (Gramma slams the door open; falls) Whoa...whoa!!! Gramma: Keep him pinned, boy! Let's see how well this bougie trash can tear up the house... (gets her sword) WHEN HE'S GOT NO HANDS! (She charges forward, yelling; Tilly follows.) Chip: No, you don't understand, I'm here to apologize!!! Gramma: Wait, what? Tilly: Well, I think that's lovely. It takes a big man to say that he's sorry. That's why Papa's always apologizin' to everyone. Bill: (comes over) Sorry! Sorry! I was in the bushes over there. What's goin' on? Cricket: Chip's here to apologize...supposedly. (bites his knee) Chip: AAAGH! Bill: Oh...is that true? Chip: Yeah, yeah...no, listen, um... (reads phone) I realized putting a wrecking ball through someone's house might not have been uh, "appropriate", so, yeah, so, sorry. I hope we can move on and grow as people...yadda yadda yadda. (presents the contract) Now that that's out of the way, if you could just sign this contract, I can get out of here. Gramma: HA! You expect us to accept that weak apology?! Do it better, coward! Cricket: You heard the sweet lady! Chip: (long, whiny groan) I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart, and stuff. Eh? (smiles) Bill: Yeesh! That was uh... Tilly: Quite... Gramma: Pathetic. Cricket: Face it, Chip. You ain't got a sincere bone in your body! Chip: (mocking) "Sincere bone in your body..." Bill: Well, Chip, if you're...truly sorry, you should repair the damage you've caused. That'll make us square. Right, family? (Cricket and Gramma groan; Tilly just nods with a smile.) Bill: Right, family? Cricket, Gramma: Ugh, fine. Chip: So, if I fix your shack, you'll sign my contract? Bill: Absolutely. (holds hand out) Do we have a deal? Chip: Ugh! All right, it's a deal. (shakes his thumb) (Chip is standing on the roof; Cricket is eating a bag of chips.) Bill: All right, Chip! I'm gonna walk you through the roof repair! Cricket: Oh, man... (giggles) Chip doin' physical labor? It's just so satisfying! Bill: All right! Pick up a panel... (he does) Good, good...now, put it in place... (he does) Great! Look at me, over explainin' things. You're an adult man! You know what you're...doin'. (Chip is trying to hammer with the handle.) Bill: Oh... (He does just that.) Cricket: (laughs) Oh, my gosh! He -- he doesn't know how to use a hammer! (laughs more) Bill: Bless his heart, Cricket, he's tryin'. Chip: (finishes hammering) All right, next panel. Bill: H-h-hold up there, buddy! Generally, when I build somethin', I use more than one nail. Let's add some more! Chip: It's fine! Let's move on! Bill: It's not gonna hold with one nail! Chip: If you're so concerned... (climbs to the top edge) Let me test it out for ya! (stomps and suddenly loosens the panel; loses control) Whoa...aaaaagh!!! (falls off the roof) Backyard (Shows Chip landed in a carrot patch; he coughs from it.) Gramma (comes out What was that?! Is everyone okay?! Oh, it's you. I don't care. (slams door) Tilly: (stammers) Well, I guess I'm outside, now. Chip: I'm fine, I'm fine. Some ugly flowers broke my fall. Bill: W-w-w...this is my vegetable garden! (grabs a not-fully grown carrot) You pulled up all my carrots! Look at him, he ain't even a baby carrot yet, (baby talk) he's just a little preemie! (normal) Well, we'll just add it to your to-do list. Chip: (angrily) "To-do list"? Bill: Well, yeah. You agreed to fix all the damage you caused, and you just caused more damage. Chip: Nononononono. I'' just agreed to fix the roof, and then I'm driving myself to the nearest doctor to get a lobotomy performed on my ''brain so I never have to think of this or you EVER AGAIN!! Bill: Well, that's a little extreme, Chip. The agreement was that we don't sign the contract until you fix what you broke. Cricket: And if you were truly sorry, wouldn't you be happy to help? Chip: Uggghhhh!!! Just!!...tell me what I need to do. (In the boiling sun, he struggles to plant carrots one after the other. Bill, Cricket and Tilly work at the garden behind him.) Bill: How's it goin' over there, Chip? Chip: (annoyed) Great. Bill: Y'know, work's a lot more fun when you got a song in your soul. ♫ Do-do-do-do-do-do-do... ♫ Cricket: ♫ Farming's what we like to do, neyh-neyh-neyh-neyh-neyh! ♫ Tilly: ♫ It's honest work and easy, too! ♫ Cricket: ♫ Neyh-neyh-neyh-neyh-neyh! ♫ Bill: All together, now! Greens: ♫ Farming's what we like to do, neyh-neyh-neyh-neyh-neyh! ♫ Chip: Ah, just ignore them... (The carrot before him suddenly flips around to reveal Cricket's face.) Cricket carrot: ♫ You're not really sorry, neyh-neyh-neyh-neyh-neyh! ♫ Chip: SHUT UP! (buries it) Shut up, shut up! (All the carrots in the bucket gasp in horror.) One of the carrots: You killed him! MURDERER!! (They start biting and attacking Chip.) Chip: AHH! No, no! (yells in defeat) Another carrot: He was my brother! (Reveals it was just a dream and he's lying face-down in the dirt; Bill's hose sprays him.) Bill: Chip, Chip, wake up! Huh. He must've passed out from exhaustion. Cricket: We've only been out here for ten minutes! Chip: (wakes up) AGH! I NEED TO GET OUTTA HERE!! Bill: Well, ya haven't fixed much of anything, yet. Plus, you buried the kids' bikes when you were hallucinatin'. No worries! I'll just add it to the list! Chip: Added...to...the list? (stands up, spins psychotically) Ah, the never-ending list! (in Bill's face) Ffffffffffffffffffff...FINE! Why don't ya add this to the list, too! (He starts causing more damage; first he destroys a barrel.) Chip: And THIS! (destroys Phoenix's doghouse) And THIS! (rips the water spout off the garage; the basketball hoop and roof panels fall) And THIS! Bill: Uh...Chip? Chip: Go ahead, and keep adding it up! But if I'm going down... (on Bill's tractor) I'M TAKING YOU WITH ME! (He starts driving toward the Greens' garden.) Tilly: He's headed for the garden! Gramma: (enters with a rake) Not on my watch! (throws it) GAAAAH! Chip: (laughs crazily) (The tractor hits the rake end, sending Chip flying.) Chip: WAAAAAAGH! (He crashes somewhere.) Greens: Ohhhh... Cricket: If he hadn't already chipped his tooth, that's where he would've done it. Living room (The injured and battered Chip slowly wakes up on the couch.) Chip: (groaning tiredly) (He sees the Greens standing around him.) Chip: AH! Oh...where am I? What is this filthy hovel? Bill: (holding a bag of frozen peas) Well, uh...this is our...home. Uh...frozen peas? Chip: What, you want me to fix those, too? Bill: Oh, no-no, son. Ya can't fix peas. (sternly) They're perfect just the way they are. (joyous again) But when frozen, they can help fix a bump to the noggin. Chip: Uh...thanks? (takes the bag) That's...nice of you. (puts the bag on his head and hisses in pain) I don't deserve your pity peas. Gramma: No, ya don't! But that's how we treat folks here, with common decency. Tilly: We're just glad you're okay. Chip: I'm not okay. My dad's gonna be so upset. Cricket: Huh? What's your dad got to do with this? Chip: He's the CEO of Wholesome Foods, (gets the contract out) and he's the one who wanted me to say sorry, and get this contract signed. Cricket: Well, uh...are you sorry? Chip: No!...Yes? Ugh, I don't know! But if I don't do this, then I'm out of the company. (crumbles the contract) I guess...I've completely messed everything up. (He tosses the contract over his shoulder; pause.) Bill: Y'know, Chip, I understand how you feel. Chip: Uh, how? You're like, poor? Bill: You can satisfy me if you want, but I'm just bein' honest. It's like I'm always tellin' my boy -- you gotta put in the work before you can reap the rewards. Chip: Huh. That's what my Dad's always tellin' me. Bill: It might not be easy, but if you do that, you can have anything you want in life. (Pause; Chip smiles halfheartedly.) Chip: Green family? I'm sorry, for everything, I mean...I know things haven't always been great between me and well...mostly Cricket. (Gramma and Tilly smile mischievously at Cricket, who frowns.) Chip: But...I'd like to turn things around, for reals. I'm gonna finish what I started -- the roof, the garden, everything! Because...it's what you all deserve. (starts to leave, but Cricket gets his attention) Huh? Cricket: Ta-da! (He presents the contract, which has his signature.) Chip: What? But I didn't even finish fixing your house. Cricket: Well, Chip, I didn't wanna sign because I didn't think you could be sincere about an apology. (hands the contract to Tilly, who signs it) But, I can see that this time, you really mean it. Tilly: So we'd be happy to sign this as a family. (They look over at Gramma, who growls as if suspecting something.) Gramma: DAH, FINE! SURE! But you still better fix up everything you messed up, bougie boy! Chip: I think I can swing that. (The tractor, still running, passes out the window and explodes offscreen.) Chip: Ha-ha...oops? Wholesome Foods Corp, Auditorium (A banner is hung that reads: "Happy Retirement Mr. Whistler! We will miss you!") Mr. Whistler: They say the only constant in life is change, and that sure is the case here at Wholesome Foods. With my retiring, someone new is stepping into my position. Choosing that person was easy, because I've seen him change for the better. (He motions; Chip joins him onstage.) Mr. Whistler: I, of course, am talking about my son, Chip Whistler, the new CEO of Wholesome Foods! (Applause; a new banner is lowered: "Congratulations! Chip Whistler, CEO of Wholesome Foods".) Chip: Heyhey! (hugs his father) Mr. Whistler: I know you'll make me proud, son. CEO's office (Now in a business suit, Chip enters the former office of his dad that's now his; it is sunset.) Chip: Wow. Hard to believe it's all mine, now. (Greg and Rose enter from the door.) Greg: Yeah, boss. Real nice to patch things up with that family! Chip: (suddenly very smug) Yup. That was pretty nice of me. But now...things are gonna change. (sternly) A'right! Let's can this junk! (Worriedly, Greg and Rose enter with other employees; the window shade closes, and Chip slams down his baby picture. The employees begin removing everything related to Mr. Whistler.) Chip: Send in my private dentist. (A dentist comes in just as the desk is cleared.) Dentist: Heya, Chip! How's my most frequent customer doin'? Chip: I think I'm ready for an upgrade. Platinum? Dentist: Oh-ho-ho! Yes sir! (He starts vandalizing a picture of the Greens on his phone with negative stickers.) Chip: I've put in the work and I've reaped the rewards. (the dentist works on him; muffled) And now I have the full power and resources of the Wholesome Foods Corporation to finally... (into a mirror; viciously) Run the Greens out of Big City! (The titanium filling in his tooth twinkles; he laughs evilly as he superimposes a sad face over Cricket's picture. To be continued...) Category:Episode Transcript Category:Season 2 Transcripts